Bridge Over Troubled Water...

I'll warn you now, dear readers, I think this is going to be a long post. And a difficult post. I won't be offended if you don't read it or comment. When I first decided to blog this, I thought about writing it up in my private one, but actually I don't want to keep this to myself. I'm not ashamed of my family or the troubles we've had so here it is.

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It's been a strange few days in my world. New things, old things, sad things, bad things, good things. A very mixed up set of emotions have been flying around my head.

I'm not going to bore you with the details about the confrontation with the insane neighbour (she doesn't want us having a Hallowe'en party!) or the epic clear out I've been having in my room, yet again (I found amazing Icelandic Christmas wrapping paper under my bed!) or even my amazing new Swear boots (a total bargain at £10 on ebay!). Nope, I'm afraid I am going to bore you with details of the latest installment of the trials and tribulations of My Family - most specifically, my brother.

Those of you who know me from the pages of this blog and/or face-to-face real life will know enough of the back story on this for me to not go over it again - but the very short, condensed version is this:

My brother is 31 months younger than me, we were close as children, grew apart as teens, fought as late-teens, and in early adulthood and then became fast friends again. We've shared a lot and been through many upheavals; he was always the one I talked to and I was always the one he sought out for advice and support when there wasn't anyone else. His relationship with my folks has been turbulent for several years (mine was too, but not only is that over, it's also another story. This one is about the youngest sibling, not me) and I've often found myself in the middle of things which has been hard, and sometimes on one side or the other.

The problem is as follows.

As the years have gone on, his transgressions towards my parents have become worse. There have been very harsh words, bitter recriminations, my Dad and he have even come to blows more than once - on one horrific memorable occasion, I had to call the Police :( He is capable of ignoring one, or all of us for weeks, even months at a time. He's the master of Cutting People Off. For 12 long months he didn't speak to me at all because we'd fallen out over his choice of girlfriend and I spent a lot of therapy sessions talking to Alice about him, crying, being angry and feeling guilty that I couldn't help him.

The trouble is, our family dynamic has always been a little...intense. We seem to be very good at shouting at each other and yet there's a very strong bond between us, a love that goes very deep. I have four stars tattooed in black on my right inner wrist that represents the four of us. I'd always thought that the bond we share was unbreakable...

Anyway, all this is muddied by both mine and my brother's mental health. Me, diagnosed with a long-term Anxiety disorder and clinical depression, him with varying diagnoses of Rapid Cycling Cyclothymia and Anxiety. It's made life hard for us, and for our parents who struggle to understand - especially my Dad. I sought help through medication and therapy; Jake sought advice, was prescribed medications which he elected to stop taking and hasn't had any regular therapy because he doesn't want it. He isn't getting any better. Slowly but surely he has alienated many friends and pushed my parents' patience to the very limit. It sounds at this point that I'm saying his behaviour is down to an untreated condition and in some ways it is, but frankly, it's an explanation of sorts, not an excuse. He knows where to get the help, he just won't.

My parents, and I, have forgiven his terrible behaviour in his early 20's, his drug-taking, his fights with my Dad, the months of radio-silence, the swearing and verbal abuse, the refusal to refer to my Dad as "Dad", the bad-mouthing of our family to his friends and friends parents, the refusal to allow my Dad to accompany Mum and I to court to support him, the lies, the half-truths, the deliberately missed birthdays and Christmases, slamming down the phone and the torrents of abusive text messages, blocking Mum on Facebook and so on and so on and so on... *sigh* They've given him more second chances than I've given the cats cuddles. They've taken him back into the family home more than once when he had nowhere else to go, fed him, supported him, lent him money, given advice. OK, we are not entirely without blame, I am sure, in his view of things but this is bordering on the ridiculous now.

This year it's started to get harder to just forgive him or put it down to his illness. About 4 weeks before my birthday in April we had a conversation where after a long time listening to him I urged him to try and put things with him and Dad behind him, move on. To act on what he's been saying he will do and do it, to get some help. To stop being the way he is, if he can. He put the phone down on me, and then immediately sent me text messages where he called me a cunt and many other horrible things. I forwarded them to my Mum and called her in tears over it. Shortly after this, they both went to see him at his flat and talked a long time with him; he cried and they cried and he asked them for help. Everything seemed to be better again and he was included in mine and Mum's birthday trip to see Les Mis which was an upheaval in itself. I was not happy about this because no-one had addressed the way he'd spoken to me and he hadn't apologised. Dad asked me to overcome it for his sake and Jake's, so I did. I never got an apology. I think that was an unconscious turning point for me because it seemed so...unjust. Especially after all the years of keeping his secrets and standing by him.

Not long after, when he called to discuss how much he hates Dad, or bitch about Mum, or a friend, or bend my ear about something, instead of letting him and listening with a kind, sisterly ear, I started telling him that it hurt me and Mum when he calls Dad "Bernard". He stopped calling as often. When I was signed off with stress earlier this year, he was made aware by Mum and he did call, but even then it was primarily to moan about his own issues and not offer me support when I needed it.

Anyway.

Some weeks ago, he was round at my parents house when another row started up because he didn't like the way they were offering to help him out yet again - he objected to the wording and the way my Dad looked when he offered to keep his motorbike at their house so that bailiffs who were chasing him on behalf of Carnival (they paid him a bursary for the uni course he started and never finished) couldn't seize it. This time, Mum really shouted at him. She wanted to know why he was always so ungrateful and so horrid to them and Jake stormed out. I heard about it from both Mum and Jake and that's when I put my foot down and said I didn't want to be part of this one. I'd had enough and frankly didn't have the energy for it anymore. Jake's decision as a result of this final confrontation was that he didn't want anything to do with either of my parents anymore. Again.

And now we come to the crux of the matter.

I was on the phone to Mum on Monday and due to a series of events, she'd had to get in touch with Jake about something important and he'd eventually called her from a payphone to re-iterate that he wanted nothing to do with his parents ever again. Through tears, Mum explained to me that recently, they'd gone to see their solicitor and got her to write to Jake to advise him that they'd cleared his debts, totalling several thousand pounds. They took the decision to do this because A) he's their son and they love him and B) the debt was registered at their address and they really didn't want a CCJ against them. My parents are senior citizens in their mid-sixties and they dipped into their very small savings to save his arse once again.

And the next time he speaks to either one of them, he says he wants nothing to do with his parents ever again.

Whether he's opened the letter from the solicitor or not, whether he knows what financial sacrifice they've made for him or not, it almost doesn't matter. He's still being a complete fucktard.

I resent him so much. SO MUCH. I hate what he's done to my family, I hate the fact that my parents have continued to love this young man who displays nothing but contempt for them. I hate the fact that my Mum worries herself silly over her son, that she calls me in tears over him. I want to call him and tell him, write him an email and demand that he stop treating us this way, but I don't know where to start...

I know I'll always love him, but I think I stopped liking him a long time ago.

While I was sorting through a drawer in my room I came across an old diary of mine. It spanned 2001-2003 (and interestingly stopped when I started blogging on 20six) and I started to read it. I was often one very angry young lady in those days and I marvelled at the number of times I use the word "fuck". The language I used about myself is harsh and angry too, which is probably another blog post, but what struck me the most was the things I describe my brother saying and doing - the taunts about my weight, the fights with my parents, the before-mentioned Police incident recorded just after it happened. I saw how unhappy I was about it all and how things hadn't really changed in almost a decade and that made me cry. I also found in the drawer a tape which he'd made me; when I was in my first year of Uni in 2000 my parents sent me a care parcel of cake, books and chocolate after I was dumped by my first long-term boyfriend and was utterly lost, and it also included this tape which he'd made. It was Simon and Garfunkel. I put it on my stereo and listened:

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

I cried so hard, standing in my room in my pyjamas. "If you need a friend/I'm sailing right behind" - That's how we were, despite his insistence once in anger that we'd never been close. That's the brother I remember, who I loved and the one I will miss, every day.

I honestly don't know where to go from here.